Happy Birthday, Dame Joan Collins

Happy birthday to a dame I believe I can safely declare to be the sexist 87 year old in the world, Dame Joan Collins (b. 1933).

YES. I can’t stop staying that. DAME Joan Collins. She was given the title in 2015 for her charity work. And after all, she went to RADA. Much like Diana Dors Collins studied drama seriously when young, then got sidetracked as a sexpot, initially by the same guy, J. Arthur Rank.

That said, I am going to disappoint you by talking not at all about Dynasty (1981-89) and similar soaps, mostly because it’s not my cup of tea and I never watch it. Instead, today I celebrate her slinky, slithery, seductive work in Decameron Nights (1953), Land of the Pharaohs (1955), The Girl in the Red Velvet Swing (1955, in which she played young Evelyn Nesbit), Rally ‘Round the Flag, Boys (1958, Norman Mcleod’s last comedy), Esther and the King (1960), The Road to Hong Kong (1962), episodes of Batman and Star Trek (1967), Can Heironymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness? (1969, written, directed and produced by her then-husband Anthony Newley), Inn of the Frightened People (1971), Tales That Witness Madness (1973), The Bawdy Adventures of Tom Jones (1976), The Devil Within Me (1976), Empire of the Ants (1977), several episodes of Tales of the Unexpected (1979-80), The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982), and the many things she did as a lark after Dynasty, such as episodes of Roseanne and The Nanny, Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie (2016), and the 2018 season of American Horror Story.

That “Hell” season of AHS convinced me that Collins has indeed made a deal with the devil and will live forever. I hope she proves me right. If Satan’s minions don’t look like Joan Collins there’s no profit in doing evil.